Subscribe in a ReaderMen and Depression, Post-Divorce
A new study by Statistics Canada shows that men are more likely to suffer depression than women in the two years after a marriage or common-law relationship breaks up. The longitudinal data from the National Population Health Survey showed that men, aged 20-64, were 6 times more likely to report an episode of depression than men who were still married. Compare that to women, aged 20-64, were only 3.5 times more likely to report depression than women who were married. It seems that being the strong, silent type isn’t such a good strategy after all.
What was really interesting was that the study isolated out factors that could account for depression, such as... loss of income, reduced social support and fewer children living in the household, to see if that explained the depression. Even taking those important factors out, men were depressed simply because of the divorce itself. While most people worked through their depression within a two-year period after the break-up, a significant minority were still depressed four years afterwards.
I found it interesting to see that men appear to be hit harder emotionally than women. In my experience, women certainly are more adept and willing to process and express their emotions. The vast majority of my clients are women and many of my coaching colleagues have that experience as well. Men are socialized to be the provider and problem-solver of the family. They don’t have as extensive a social support network as women, which could support them in their divorce journey.
We’ve all heard about how men need to retreat to their “cave” at times. Quite often, men will jump straight into another new relationship as a way to cope with the loss, only to find that the same issues and unresolved needs surface yet again with the new partner. As the saying goes, “If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it.” Starting a new relationship when you have unhealed emotional wounds is setting you, and your potential partner, up for a rocky ride.
So what’s a guy to do? I just so happen to have a few suggestions!
- Talk It Out Don’t suffer in silence. Reach out and find a “divorce buddy” you can really pour your heart out to. There are support groups that are specifically for men in many communities now. I just heard of one where every week men of all ages and marital status get together in a park and gather around a campfire, sharing their stories and simply listening to the others. A divorce coach or therapist can be a great resource too.
- Take a Time Out Here’s a big tip – take time to get to know yourself before jumping into the next serious relationship. Like an earthquake, divorce sends shock waves through your entire life. Give yourself time to let any aftershocks settle down before you rush out to lock into a new relationship. Make the investment to heal yourself upfront, and you’ll improve your odds of a successful future relationship significantly.
- Women Love Vulnerable Men There’s nothing more appealing to many women than a man who’s willing to be vulnerable and emotionally accessible. Drop the macho “I can tough it out” persona and let us see and feel your heart. Being real and authentic are critical for creating connected, loving relationships.
Posted: June 7th, 2007 under Children & Parenting, Communication Skills, Divorce, Motivation & Mindset.
Comments: 13
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Comments
Comment from john C
Time: September 4, 2009, 9:43 am
So the author originally advises the reader to “take a time out”………but then also suggests that he be vunerable and emotionally accessible based on the supposed fact that “women love vulnerable men”. A small contradiction?
I understand why the author failed to claim this article in name. And like most E-articles, worthless drivel.
Comment from admin
Time: September 4, 2009, 1:22 pm
Thanks for stopping by the blog, John C! Sorry to hear this article feels like “drivel” to you. What I try to offer here isn’t for everyone, and you’re entitled to your opinion. My policy is to offer constructive and practical advice on thorny issues that arise from separation and divorce. Just to clarify – the fact that my name isn’t on the article was an oversight, but I did write it.
I don’t see a contradiction in the advice I offered. I’m a big advocate of everyone — men and women alike — doing their emotional homework in order to thrive in life and create loving, lasting relationships. Bottling emotions up and not expressing them, or ignoring them altogether and expecting new relationships to solve old issues is not likely to lead to happiness or peace.
Best wishes to you! Carolyn
Comment from Bill L
Time: October 21, 2009, 12:28 pm
Thanks for the article, Carolyn. I found it interesting and relevant – particularly as a middle-aged man approaching the second anniversary of my divorce (which was her idea… terminated a 24 year marriage).
John C’s unwarranted hostility and your gracious response prompted me to leave this comment. Thanks for your insights.
Comment from Brandon Neal
Time: November 5, 2009, 10:48 pm
“Divorce Buddy”
Thats absolutley what I need!
Comment from Robert
Time: January 2, 2011, 8:46 am
Carolyn,
If John is hurt, it would explain his comments.
It’s now been 7 years since my wife of 23 years got involved over email with her high school boyfriend 2,000 miles away and really wrecked a good family. I’m afraid the shock waves last longer than anyone can imagine. Divorce “tears” at the very sole of a family: special events like births of grandchildren, weddings, birthdays, holidays. It mutes the beautiful “highs” of these events into “do-able,” but it’s never the same. Out of everything, loss of companionship, physical intimacy, patterns, it’s the loss of entirely- intact family that is the most crushing. My two were 16 and 21 at the time and it still brutalized our collective and individual lives. They will always be children of divorce no matter what healings they go through… and we all are faith-filled people.
I remarried a divorced woman. The issues, particularly teenaged kids, that she brought into our marriage have been stressful beyond imagination. She feels ripped between their needs and building our marriage and rebuilding a forged life. It never ends. Empty nest stuff on top of it all.
I read a few books on remarriage from a Christian viewpoint before jumping in. But the truth of it is, the best advice of all, which was in ALL those books, was to WAIT. 3-5 years is a long time (3 if you’re really healed, 5 is more the average). There really is something about TIME HEALING ALL WOUNDS. It gives a perspective and allows you to be more discerning on what’s happening.
I began dating (only her) a little less than two years after my ex left and we married three years after. It seemed like forever with normal physical, emotional and companionship desires. But it still should have waited. Would have been better on her kids as well as my younger one.
The bit about getting the healing up front is true, but the trouble is it takes years to figure out your hurts even with counsel. Mine was the death of a vision of a healthy and legacy-normal multigenerational family since I grew up in a good home. This divorce killed that and you can’t superimpose that stepkids who have never known that health. It’s like you are speaking different languages. The death of this vision is not something that disappears after seven years. It may be with me forever, I don’t know. It’s so strong in me that it always crops up. I give it to God constantly. I have a very good support structure with friends and pastors who have loved me over three decades and it is still hard.
I hope this helps someone, maybe it just helped me
Comment from Robert
Time: January 2, 2011, 9:02 am
One last thing from Robert…
I am not depressed all the time and didn’t go through deep depression after divorce, as much as being broken hearted over the implications. I still worked hard, found a lot of satisfaction in my church’s home group, family, vacations, reading John Eldredge, etc.
But this sense of a nagging loss is depressing, although not overwhelming, it still colors my life with darker shades. I just don’t want it to sound worse than it is and inadvertently discourage any readers. That’s not what they need.
Comment from Robert
Time: January 2, 2011, 9:17 am
P.P.S. 7 Correction from Robert
I just re-read what I wrote: we were married three years after the divorce (that was too soon), not three years after we began dating (which would have served our families better). You know what they say about hindsight.
Comment from Peter
Time: May 5, 2011, 7:15 pm
Thanks Caroline, good tips.
I have left a 20 year marriage and think your tip #2 to be the best advice.
Cheers
Peter
Comment from Rob Fraser
Time: July 27, 2011, 12:16 pm
Divorce is a very serious and traumatic ordeal to go through but there is hope. For a long time after mine, I let my divorce become me and that greatly affected my work performance and as a result getting out of the Marines. At the same time one comes to a point to where instead of letting that pain and divorce rule my life, I’m going to use it to become my new passion. I’m taking my lessons learned and telling my story so that way others don’t have to make the same mistakes and go through the things I went through.
The point is, yes it changes your life, but life still goes on and you do not have to let the divorce become who you are. I remember I would get introduced to people and in conversation with people I just met, divorce would rear it’s ugly head and you just get tired of having this same old discussion. It’s a part of your past, not a part of your future.
Rob Fraser
Comment from Fred
Time: August 1, 2011, 1:49 pm
My marriage ended four years ago. We have three boys under 12. She simply decided her life would be better with out me. I have had a dating relationship with a smart good woman for three years. I see my children constantly but the sourse of my recurring depression is my inability to take care of them everyday. I miss them always. It effects me but also everyone else. There seems to be no real solution so I just see them as much as I can but the depression remains.
Fred
Comment from admin
Time: September 19, 2011, 5:59 pm
Great to hear how you’re willing to use your own journey and wisdom learned as a way to help others not make similar mistakes, Brad! Thanks for sharing!
Carolyn
Comment from Jon Smolowe
Time: October 7, 2011, 4:25 pm
I just read an amazing book that was recommended to me on the horrors of an unexpected divorce. It’s called “I Thought We Were Happy: Lessons My Wife Taught me on the Road to Divorce” by Jonathan L Lewis. (I found it on Amazon.com – couldn’t find it on B&N). This guy is wide open with the emotional trauma of what he experienced going through a divorce he never saw coming.
Has anyone else read it? I was blown away. It hit SO many buttons and expressed so many of the emotions that I went through. Guys don’t normally express their emotions very well or maturely. This guy does. It really helped me.
Comment from admin
Time: October 16, 2011, 8:20 am
Thanks for the recommendation Jon! I’ll have to check that out.
I see you Thriving!
Carolyn
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