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Time: January 17, 2008, 5:09 am

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Time: April 27, 2008, 8:28 pm

[...] Relationship Break-Up - Living in the Void: Part 1 [...]

Comment from heidi
Time: December 15, 2008, 3:29 pm

What do you do when the relationship has to end and it’s not the typical break-up. My significant other is in the military and had a choice between Japan and Hawaii. We live in Virginia. We are in love but I just got a terrific job and the orders are for 3 years. So we are breaking up when the plane leaves for Hawaii. I can’t explain the sense of loss that’s beginning for me.

Comment from admin
Time: December 18, 2008, 6:18 pm

Gosh, Heidi! That is a difficult and heartbreaking situation for sure. There are no easy or quick “fixes” for what you and your honey must be going through. Perhaps you’ll find in the separation that you truly do want to still be together and things like jobs and distance can be managed differently. (I’m a big romantic though, so I’m always looking for the happy ending!:) One thing I do recommend to help you complete your relationship in a loving way is to have you both reflect and share with each other the gifts you have received from being in this relationship. If there’s anything that you want to say before you are physically separated, say it. Give each other those heart-felt acknowledgements and soak them in fully. Thanks for sharing and I wish you both the very best!

Comment from yvonnecaffell
Time: February 12, 2009, 12:06 pm

My friend has been going through a breakup and now divorse for a year or so , and has to work daily with the little homewrecker who is a big part of this. My friend is having panic attacks is VERY angry and cries on my shoulder, and I am her friend so I am there for her. I am afraid of what will happen to her or what she says she’d like to do to ? She was married for 15 years, she is SO very miserable DAILY. She has been in a relationship for about 4 months and so not happy ,she cannot afford counciling, she is in major pain and sad and angry and wants revenge. Please help me help her.

Comment from admin
Time: February 18, 2009, 1:45 pm

Hi Yvonne and thanks for reaching out for help on behalf of your friend. A few quick tips for you as a supporter for someone going through this difficult experience. Definitely have her do some reading on the divorce process or check out The Divorce Resource Kit (http://DivorceResourceKit.com). This strong emotional spin cycle she’s on isn’t unusual, and the more she can learn about it the more empowered she will become. Another great book I always recommend is Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life.

Sometimes the best thing you can do as a friend is simply listen and let her vent her emotions. Be wary of diving in to her drama around it and feed the thoughts that leave her in a victim position. At some level, she co-created this situation as part of her soul’s journey. There is some gift or wisdom available to her. But instead of letting her ask “Why me?” invite her to ask “What can I learn from this?”

Thanks for your questions!

Comment from laura
Time: February 21, 2009, 10:00 pm

I am currently in the divorcing process. I feel miserably because I didn’t know to keep my husband, to show him my love and respect. It all started with his shortcomings, which I was not able to overcome, even though I am older than him(with 4 years). I just didn’t know how to forgive and forget. Now, I find myself completely guilty and don’t know how to survive with the guilt. It’ all too late and a nightmare. I see all the bad moments like in a movie and re-construct my reactions and I realise I have destroyed everything. He is not guilty at all. How can I cope with this, and move on?

Comment from Karen
Time: February 28, 2009, 1:17 pm

I have just had a breakup three days ago. It is so fresh..He did it over the phone…We were together 2.5 years.

He sent emails stating that he would like a second chance with us after we are both healthy mentally. He is seeking professional councelling due to the tragic death of his teenaged child, which occured 2 months into our relationship. He never really expressed his emotions with me and put up a front making believe all was OK, yet it was not. I then tried to find out about our future together since we never discussed it, I guess I pushed too hard and he felt I backed him into the corner and he couldn’t take anymore stress and ended it.

My only communication via email has been factual asking for our things. I know we both Love each other very much, but I am afraid right now to express my love and thanks to him as I am afraid I will get rejected somehow, and my pain will just start all over again. Should I do this so I can answer my question and know that it is finally over?
I would love that we do work through our emotions and take another chance at it, should I let him know this too?

Thank you, Karen

Comment from Layla
Time: March 13, 2009, 2:11 am

My 10 year relationship ended 4 months ago. He withdrew, I wanted to try counselling, he didn’t.
The first weeks and months were terribly terribly hard. I have never known such pain and sorrow. But slowly, very slowly, it got a tiny bit easier. I just let myself feel what I am feeling. If I need to cry I do, if I need to scream I do. He found it hard to communicate and express feelings. Eventually I did too. I thought crying or talking about my feelings with him meant I was weak - I thought that is what he thought of me - that I am too emotional. Well I am! So what!
He is dating again. I am not ready for that. I had hoped time may change things for him, but obviously not. Perhaps it is easier to start a new relationship than fix an old one. I thought we were worth trying for, but alas. Although he did say he isn’t saying 100% that it would never happen again for us, but he doesn’t ‘intend’ it to…so to me that is saying 100% that it won’t!
So I am doing good things for me, and losing hope that it may happen for us again. I just need to get on with life, find a new direction and get myself sorted out.

Comment from Layla
Time: March 13, 2009, 2:29 am

Hi Karen, maybe keep the lines of communication open. If you do truly love and care for each other, work on you, while he works on him and maybe things will work out. Good luck I wish that I had that chance.

Comment from Dave
Time: March 31, 2009, 4:43 am

Im going through a difficult period right now, I never thought Id meet someone special enough to consider spending the rest of my life with, but 4 years ago I did, we spent nearly every minute of every day together. Travelled the world, had a great life, a wonderful home, and on the face of it an enviable future.
THEN, as I came round to the obvious conclusion of a marriage proposal, and at the same time my girlfriend went away for the weekend with the girls. I was planning marriage, and when she returned she planned on ending the relationship. I just sensed it, I approached it and she said she had lost her identity and needed to find herself. She still loved me wanted children and a future….but in the mean time she needed to time on her own. So beit…..we had space and we kept ourselves to ourselves….and had a recent reconciliation, a mistake obviously!
Here is my problem, the most difficult part of my life now, isnt getting over her, its seeing her every day as we work together, on the same floor doing the same job. We are both extremely successful and there is no chance of looking for an alternative place of work. Everyone says dont see your ex..I see her everyday and its a killer! Any suggestions on getting through the day…..as the rest of life I can deal with.
Cheers, D.

Comment from admin
Time: May 11, 2009, 11:17 am

Thanks for the great sharing and comments everyone! Yes, Dave, you definitely have an additional challenge when you have to be in the same workplace every day as your ex-partner. I there’s a few key principles for anyone who’s exiting out of a love relationship to adopt. One, definitely give yourself some time to process your loss and be with your feelings (like Layla is doing). When you’re still an open wound inside, that’s a tough foundation to start building a new relationship from. Two, shift away from looking “over there” at what your ex is doing or thinking and keep gently guiding your attention and energy back to you. Ask yourself “What can I learn from this situation? What do I need in this moment now to feel loved and appreciated?” Ultimately, I believe these kinds of experiences are always critical in learning to discover and express our own highest potential. The more intense the pain, the more rich the wisdom, learning and power can result from it. Three, if you find it hard to move out of the emotional hamster wheel on your own, reach out and get some professional help or counselling. Please check the Solutions page on http://www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com to see some of the solutions I have to offer. Thanks everyone for a great conversation!

Comment from Julie Williamson
Time: June 7, 2009, 10:19 am

I am 2 months into a break up of a 12 year relationship, it has to be one of the most painful experiences I have been through. It all started when he took a job working for Union Pacific which required him to be out of town all the time, and then his Dad died and his mom wanted his attention all the time even though she was in good health. I have cryed everyday sometimes 2 or 3 times a day since we broke up. I wake up early 5 am everymorning feeling so empty and hurt. It is all so painful….I miss him so much… he is seven years younger then me I was afraid this might happen down the road.

Comment from Allison
Time: July 20, 2009, 5:40 pm

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (2 days ago) whom I was living with and was the light of my life. We spent almost every moment together and got along great. He was 34.5 and I just turned 27. He quit his job just before I met him and tried to be a professional day trader. Even after losing all his savings $90K and going $20K into debt, he refused to stop day trading, claiming it was his “job” and his “dream”. I have always been a highly motivated, goal oriented person and am pretty successful in my job. I might have been ok with his trading, but he didn’t seem really all that interested in doing it and had absolutely NO plan whatsoever, including a stop plan – but rather more interested in staying home all day and making his own rules.

We were living together for a year before I moved into the studio in June (we lived in NYC). I feel lost, like I made a terrible mistake. We both still love each other and he told me it was hard for him when I was moving my stuff out even as I was fighting to hold back the emotion, quite unsuccessfully. I didn’t want to break up with him, but I was terrified that he might never stop this destructive path that was causing him to be depressed and broke. All his bills were being paid with debt and I felt like I didn’t want to go out because I knew I would see the debt again if I had any kind of future with him. The world spinning and I feel totally alone. I wanted to marry this guy some day and maybe even have kids!

I made the terrible mistake of letting my friendships (few that there were) go by the wayside during my 2.5 years with him. I’m devastated and feel absolutely horrible that I had to leave him, and I miss him so much. But he didn’t want to change for me and I wasn’t asking for anything except for him to get a job since the day trading thing obviously wasn’t working out. Everything about him was perfect except this one fatal flaw. He didn’t want to get help and couldn’t see that he was spiraling out of control because he was afraid to go back to the corporate world or be employed by anyone else. He treated me like gold, but I could sink with the ship. Did I do the right thing? Should I have stayed by his side and tried harder to get him treatment?

Comment from nikki
Time: August 3, 2009, 8:31 pm

Here’s one thats not so typical either. Boyfriend of 9years goes to Kuwait for work leaving me with the house, pets and all household responsibilities. After 5 months into his year long contract calls to say hes upping it another year and since he has seen so many break ups since being there, decides we should break up now because it isn’t fair to me. After 9 years he broke up with me over the phone!! Now he will be back here next month for vacation for 3 weeks. This is my house too. I have a 10 year old. I’m crushed and hurt and haven’t changed my clothes in a week! My son is taking care of me for heavens sake! How do I deal with him coming home? If I start to recover at all , he will be hurting me all over again.

Comment from shea
Time: August 6, 2009, 10:46 pm

My husband is leaving today - it was my decision to end the relationship. We both were unhappy, but love one another. We are a little older (both 50), so we’ve both had our share of breakups in life. Here’s my problem: I’m feeling heartbroken even though I’m the one that initiated the breakup. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt - as secretly I never really accepted him for who he was. Although, I never said this to him, I often felt embarrassed by his silly behavior around people. So why am I so sad and constantly crying? I didn’t think I would react like this — thought I would be okay with the breakup. I’m so confused now. I thought I made the right decision. I would often tell myself that I loved him, but not completely. I so mixed up. Please help understand what I’m going through.

Comment from admin
Time: August 7, 2009, 1:18 pm

Wow, this post about living in the void after a love relationship ends has really struck a chord for folks! Thanks to everyone who’s sharing here and while we certainly can’t do individual coaching by blog post, I hope that sharing your pain and story here will be a step to helping you move through the discomfort, the grief, the anger and pain and into a new place of empowerment. Even if you’re the one that ended the relationship, you may experience this sense of loss, which is really the loss of the dream you had of being with someone you thought was your “Happily Ever After” partner.

There’s no quick fix for a broken heart, but with tender loving care of yourself, believing that you absolutely deserve love, and asking yourself “What can I learn from this situation?” will help you on the road of healing enormously. I would also recommend you check out http://www.DivorceResourceKit.com — I’ve created a powerful home study program that will help you map out your life after breakup. It addresses the most important pieces of relationship breakup that need to get handled - getting your emotional balance back, parenting, finances, dating & new relationships to name just a few. I wish you all peace and blessings and thanks for sharing!

Comment from Joe
Time: August 14, 2009, 11:37 pm

I was involved in a long distance relationship. Although platonic, She ended our relationship one week ago today. I said some terrible things to her, And am so remorseful!! I wrote three apologie letters to her. However, She cant find it in her heart to forgive me. We spoke on the phone everyday, Twice on the weekends, Texted eachother while at work for over one year and a half. I have never ever felt such despair and hopelessness, Since she said she will never talk to me again. I`ve cried so much, And have even told her so. I pleaded with her to give our relationship just one more chance. But to no avail. I miss her deeply, And my heart cries from within everyday. I so hope there is a promise of hope, That I will heal, And begin to live again.

Comment from Diane
Time: September 4, 2009, 9:39 am

My husband of 17 years and father of my two kids recently told me he wanted a divorce. It did not come as a surprise to me because we’ve been going through some rough times for years, I wanted to get help but he had no interest in getting help so the gap betweem us just got wider. He is now secretly seeing a woman, the same woman he cheated on me with when I was pregnant with my son 16 years ago. she calls him every night and he sneaks off to the basement where they would tallk for hours on his cell phone. I recently came back from visiting my parents and found tampon applicators in the gabbage. I was deverstated. He told me to file the divorce papers but in our state we need to have a reason for the divorce. I cannot prove that he is seeing someone alse. For years I wanted nothing but a divorce from him but now the time has come and I feel so lost. I try to put on a strong face infront of my kids but when alone I break down. It is sooo painfull. How do you get rid of so much pain? I am trying to get help for my kids and myself and hopes that one day I can look back at this and smile.

Comment from Kara
Time: September 4, 2009, 1:18 pm

It has been almost been 2 months since my true love boyfriend and me have broken it off. I left my home town, gave up my pets and moved cross country. And when I true love he was my first boyfriend 15 years ago. We met up again at 34 and both were unmarried, and so elated to be with one another again. After buying a home and living together he wanted more independance and not so much a nag of a girlfriend. Needless to say after I tried and tried to make it work, he simply said its over and there is nothing to work on. So, I am in limbo as he has not moved out yet, but he goes out with friends and talks to other woman on the phone. My anger and sadness is fused and I can’t even make him move out yet because I am afraid to let go of him forever. But, today I am doing so, because I have to as I need to move on. I wish I had a better support system, but this needs to happen, financially crippled or not.

Comment from G
Time: October 11, 2009, 3:56 am

My wife was having an affair for a few months before she told me one night she wanted a divorce. We have 2 young children ages 6 and 7. They were brought up in a christian home and we went to church every Sunday. She was involved with children minstries as well. This came as a shock to me. I couldn’t work, eat, and sleep. I was awake for 8 days before I got a full night sleep. My heart was pounding in my neck. I didn’t want my marriage to end. I talked to our pastor and we had two sit down meetings with him. On the second meeting, she said she wanted out. A few weeks later, we told our children. it was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. They were ok with it, but I was not. I cried for a long time afterwards. i am moving out in a month. It hurts me too much to play house and see my wife so happy and uncaring. I told her that she should file the divorce but she is a procrastinator. It is almost 4 weeks since our breakup, and she has not filed. I want my life back but I know my life won’t be the same. I can’t forgive now but maybe someday. I love her but hate what she did to me. I don’t want her back but would like her to feel bad for me just a little. I lost all respect for that woman. I feel so embarrassed. Thank you. G

Comment from canali
Time: November 1, 2009, 2:32 am

and it’s also so tricky ‘falling in love’ isn’t it? mother nature is always wanting us to procreate and ‘extend the species’ so a bunch of chemicals get released in our brain in the ‘bonding’ period…psychologically we project, wish, hope too much sometimes…or lust, loneliness and the need for validation/attention are powerful drivers getting us involved (I’m guilty as charged!) without using our rational faculties in assessing if this person is really ‘right’ for us (see ‘intellectual foreplay’…a book i’ve enjoyed and hope to implement it more in my next voyage)…..so we ‘ignore’ or playdown the red flags…or don’t really talk about them before we get further invested (again i’m guilty of this, too)….such is ‘love’….

Comment from Sue
Time: December 27, 2009, 9:06 am

My boyfriend just broke up with me over the phone the weekend before christmas with a 2 sentence explanation and now is in shut down and won’t respond to my attempts to talk to him. He won’t answer calls/messages (I have made 3 over the space of 8 days).

He chased me extensively when we met and as my barriers caved in I really fell for his beautiful soul. Our relationship has been very very loving. He cared for me deeply, ’loved me’, ‘Had me on a pedastal’ in his words. We both put in soo much effort and only a month ago said he would like to get engaged. We had barriers moving into together as being older (34 and 38) we had already established our own homes/lives seperately. I truly loved him however we had different social classes and he had a bad upbringing. We have always both been very fair and I thought we were well balanced. Then recently he has been saying he has been depressed as we lost a pregnancy (I was devastated - I went to counselling but he only joined me on one session) and was sad that we didn’t see each other enough. I spent whatever spare time I could with him and vice versa still allowing both of us time out for maintaining our other friendships.

Our social class difference has come into play which I was battling to overcome. Things that now I feel so much guilt over - I think unintentially I attacked his self-esteem. I wanted to encourage him to be motivated to alter his self confessed unhappy work path and low pay. The area he lives in is a lower socio-ecomonic location than me and I have worked hard for my assets (study and committment) and what I have, and have a hard time giving it up. He would not move in with me as my place was not suited to him and I said he would have diffuculty moving in with him as the neighbourhood is undesirable and not where I would ever choose to live (partly out of hurt that he said he would move in and never did). I now feel like a superficial snob and I had never perceived myself that way before but with his damaged ego, he won’t even talk to me other than to say ‘he has neglected his friends and nothing has changed in 3 years’. Its hard to hear as up until the break up call he kept telling me he was depressed and struggling because he ‘didn’t see me enough’. Now the shut out when I really want to talk things through and think of the beautiful soul I have lost leaves me absolutely devastated on so many levels. Shattered dreams of our future, of a family (now I am 39, no children) and mostly the hurt I have inflicted on a loving soul. I have harshly learnt qualities are more important than materialism but I thought I already knew that?? I don’t know what to do short of going crazy. The pain is soo intense. The guilt is horrendous. The resentment and anger is also hard - I think it is cruel the way he has shut me out with only a 2 sentence answer - I can’t process this well at all. I feel like this all sounds so stupidly trivial but it is breaking my heart every minute of every day. The man who loved me so much has now shut me out so completely. What do I do?

Comment from Darrell
Time: January 28, 2010, 7:09 pm

I guess, like most others on this site, I too am right in the middle of a divorce. I have been married to the same lady for 15 years. We have 3 beautiful children - ages 13, 11 and 9. I am the one that actually filed for the divorce - I did this 3 days ago. She was served with the divorce papers today. I feel so sad and empty on the inside. I feel as if I’m losing the person that is half of all my dreams. I feel as if there are still so many great things to happen to us as a family. I love my wife with the deepest part of my soul. I can look at myself in the mirror - and see the mistakes I have made throughout the years - both as a husband and as a father. But I can also see a really good person - one of the most giving people you’ll ever meet.
I’ve never been a good communicator with my wife. I think this has a lot to do with how I was raised. I love her so much. There has been so many times when I have something I really want to say - I can feel it on the end of my tounge. I want to tell her how beautiful she looks - how much I love her - but I have really failed with the ability to vocalize my feelings. Although we both have our shortcomings - as we all do - the lack of me expressing my feelings verbally has continually eroded our marriage.
I can say that I believe that I really attempted to become a better communicator - but I guess I really never did - if I had - then I probably wouldn’t be finding myself on this site.
I love my children so much. I am so worried about my children. I love all 3 of them with the deepest part of my soul and heart.
I sent my wife an email today telling her how sorry I was for everything. How I wish I would have never sought out an attorney - that I wish I had not filed for divorce. That I just wanted to come home. There has been no reply.
I know we haven’t been happy for a while. On the day I filed for divorce - it really seemed like the right thing for me - and I was hoping in the long-run - it would be what was best for my children.
Why am I feeling like I have made the biggest mistake in my life?

Comment from Darrell
Time: January 29, 2010, 11:58 am

I find posting my feelings here is quite helpful to me personally. I did notice - excluding my post yesterday - the last post was made in September of 2009. I really hope others visit this site - it helps me to read what others are feeling.
My wife and I have split up on several occassions. About 10 years ago - she actually filed for divorce - but we never let the process complete itself - I ended up back home.
Through all the heartache and battles - I have always told my wife how much I love her - with the deepest parts of my soul and heart - how much I need her. I will admit - these words usually only come when we are almost at the end. I will also admit they have probably always been in an email or card. They have rarely come directly from my mouth.
I’ve been staying at my brothers home the last 4 nights. My wife stopped by last night - it was raining. I was really hoping she was there to tell me to come home. I sent her an email yesterday telling her how I needed to come home - how I loved her. So I thought maybe that why she came over.
I mentioned that through all the battles - I have always told her how I love and need her. But I realized last night - through these same battles and heartache - she has never said this to me - how much she loves and needs me - how much she needs me to come home in those times when I have left. I need this. I need to know this in my heart. I really hope I’m not sounding selfish - but my I need to know that’s how she feels about me. Not only has she never said these things in the hard-times - the more I think - I can’t ever remember her saying thses things. I wish she would call - send me an email today - telling me these things. I said them to her yesterday - but as mentioned - it was in an email. I miss my wife. I need my wife. I need my children. I need my family. I need to be home.

Comment from Darrell
Time: January 29, 2010, 5:01 pm

Man…I really wish someone else was currently posting their feelings / what they’re currently going through on this site. This is my third entry. I guess I’m using the site as sort of a journal. It helps me. As I stated in my last post - I really wish my wife would call today - or at least send me an email. I really think I need to internalize that maybe she has never said the things I mentioned in the last post - is maybe because she does not actually feel them. Maybe with me filing for the divorce - she has realized she really wants to be divorced from me. So the regret I now have and feel - is useless. Maybe I need to internalize that my wife really does not want to be married to me.
I feel as if I’m doing nothing but rambling on here. One minute I’m OK - and the next I can barely stand the pain that I feel in my entire body.

Comment from Darrell
Time: January 30, 2010, 11:34 am

I never heard from my wife yesterday. I sent one email - I copied my first 2 post on this site and sent them to her in an email. I was hoping she would be able to see how I’m really feeling - and what I need from her as well. I never heard back from her - no call - no email. I speak with my children nightly. I need my children. I tell each of them how much I love them and I ask each of them if they’re OK. I miss my kids. I sent my wife an email this morning asking if I could take the kids out to dinner at Chili’s. I told her I could pick them up around 6:00 - take them to dinner - and then I would bring them straight back home. I really miss my family. As each day passes - and I understand it’s only been a week - I feel as if she really wants to be divorced from me. How crazy does all this sound - I’m the one who filed for divorce. The last time I saw her was when we were standing in the rain in front of my brother’s house. I had sent her an email that day - telling her that I loved her - that I needed her - and that I was sorry - that I had made a mistake - and that I also needed to hear these same words from her. But she didn’t say them in the rain that night - and she didn’t say them yesterday. Maybe she doesn’t really feel them - that’s why she hasn’t said them. I think this thought - the thought of her not really feeling the same way I do - is what is causing the most pain in my soul and heart. I have so much pain in my entire body. I really do love her. I love my children. I love my family. We all deserve to be happy.

Comment from admin
Time: February 9, 2010, 8:05 pm

Hey Darrell! Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us here! Although it was your choice to end the relationship, it’s clear you’re having a very challenging time. Making the decision to end a marriage is one thing. Living the decision and experiencing the day-to-day reality of it is something else. I would recommend you get some support, either through coaching or finding a local support group in your area. That way you can find some connection, wisdom and information from others who have been in your shoes. I’d also recommend you check out my award-winning Divorce Resource Kit, which can help you map your way through this maze called divorce (http://www.DivorceResourceKit.com). If you have children, definitely get yourself (and your former wife) a copy of The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce (you can get it here, or on any online site). Save yourself years of time and heartache by avoiding some of the common mistakes people make. Because you are absolutely right - we all deserve to be happy. You do, your children do, your ex-wife does. It’s a wonderful goal to work towards, and it takes a choice to thrive and learn and grow on a daily basis to achieve it. I wish you all the best!
Carolyn

Comment from Joyce
Time: February 18, 2010, 9:28 pm

I have been through divorce. It is the most painful experience I have ever had. More painful than childbirth! I was married for 23 years when my husband cheated with a woman he worked with. He made the choice to be with her instead of me and our sons even though I was willing to work on our relationship. He told me it would be toomuch work to mend our relationship and it wasnot worth it. So I was forced to accept and move on. I did find a divoce counseling group and it was the most helpful thing I did. having others to talk with each week who were feeling what I was feeling was invaluable.

I healed and then I found love again. This relationship was so much better than my marriage and i was so happy and hopeful about my future. I was cautious at first because I was fearful of being hurt again. Fearful that he would leave just like my husband did, with no warning. Over time I learned to trust him and gave him my heart completely as I beleive that he gave me his. We were together for four years and always talked about being together and what our future would be. We were not living together because he still had a child at home in highschool. We live in different cities but they are close by so we were togther all the time. Now that his son is ready to graduate, and the possiblity of us finally being together is approaching, he left. he left just before Christmas, and again it was with little or no warning. The night he left, returning his key to my house, I was really unsure what had happened. An innocent conversation suddenly turned into I am not ready to live together and don’t know if I ever will be. Then he was gone. I tried to get him to tlak with me for a week or so after but he absolutetly refused to talk. Finally after 2 months he sent me an email telling me that he just cannot make a commitment. He proably never will. I think he is realizing that he has some scars from his former marriage that he did not know he had. i really do not beleive that he entered our relationshhip knowing that he would bail out in the end. But here i am, once again alone, without the man I love, and with my plans for the future dashed. And I feel particulalry hurt again, that he did not think our relationship was worth the effort of facing his fears. It feels to me like I was not worth it.

I know that I will heal. I have done it before but it is an slow and painful process. Filling the hole that is left when your love leaves your life is not an easy task. I am so sad and disappointed to find myself here once again. i don’t know if I will ever have the strength and the faith to try again.

Comment from UNKNOWN
Time: March 8, 2010, 3:02 pm

Hi Derrell I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain. You and your wife may be Emotionally Unavailable, never being able to express your feelings may be the root of your problems. Find out more at this site: http://www.baggagereclaim.com and this website has a forum where users can vent and get immediate responses from people around the world who have gone through exact the same situations and have recovered. This is the link. http://baggagereclaim.ning.com/
Hope this helps!!

Comment from T
Time: March 8, 2010, 3:29 pm

I ended an unhealthy relationship recently that I have been unsuccessful in ending for years. I just found this website today, it is insightful. I still have those feelings of longing, severe pain and loss even though I ended it. I ended it because I wasnt happy, I lost myself in the relationship. I lost touch of what I stand for, for what made me who I am, I compromised too much of myself. I finally looked in the mirror one day and realized who I had become. the person you are with should enhance you, not change you, the days should be a harmonious walk through life - not a continous battle. I found a therapist and I am going today. I found that I need help to get through this and I’m determined to find the woman that I once was, I had so much pride in myself and my accomplishments. I’m determined to find out why I gave away so much power to someone else, and to someone so undeserving.

Comment from Lucy
Time: March 12, 2010, 10:53 am

I am 11 months into a separation and I am still an emotional wreck. It was my choice for us to break up, and now I feel bereft and I miss my husband so much. I know it probably wouldn’t work for us to reunite, and there were reasons for the separation in the first place, but the hurt won’t stop, I feel like I’m losing my mind, and that I’ve lost my best friend. We have had a very civil split, and are still quite friendly with one another - but I think it would probably be easier if I hated him! I know that there are no hard and fast rules around the time it takes an individual to grieve, but I was expecting to begin to feel a little bit better by now. I still feel the same physical heartache that I felt early on, and still find myself wailing out loud at times. It’s just horrible. It is good to visit forums like this as it is cathartic reading others’ experiences, that we all feel the same and I am not going mad.

Comment from Jenna
Time: March 27, 2010, 10:02 pm

My girlfriend of nearly 5 years (we lived together for 4) called our relationship off three days ago. I knew something was off about 5 months ago, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Her world revolved around me and mine her…but she became distant almost suddenly. She withdrew from me and would get angry when I asked what was going on. Finally, she told me that she had been thinking about leaving and it caught me off guard. She didn’t leave after that, but she might as well have since I becam a wreck and worried constantly that she was either cheating or going to leave very soon.

She told me that she was getting tired of my paranoia, but she said a lot but actually did little to asuage my fears. Finally, she told me that she could not handle “us” anymore and that she “was done”. She moved out the next day while I was at work without so much as a goodbye. She left all the things she didn’t want (me included) at the house for me to sort through. Worst part is, she would not admit to cheating despite the signs being pretty clear.

At least if I knew exactly why the relationship ended, I could process this. I go through waves where I am angry because I think she probably was cheating and then intense sadness because I miss the woman who loved me once. If someone else had her attention, it would explain a lot….like how she could just pull away and leave after 5 years of a solid relationship. I guess I’ll never know.

Comment from Rebecca
Time: April 14, 2010, 7:06 pm

My husband and I were married for almost 7 years, and he wants a divorce. Sadly in the first year of our marriage, I had a stillborn, but he was so wonderfully supportive. I think my problem is I never REALLY got over the loss. Then my husband and I had this idea where we would be truck drivers together. I thought it would be great, adventerous, and a way to escape my problems of being unable to have a child. Anyway, the first year of driving was okay…then the second year was a nightmare. We barely had heart to heart talks anymore, the sex was pretty much nil, and when we did arrive home after weeks of being on the road, he would go to one room and I would go to another. He always had trouble telling me what he was thinking, so it was frustrating not knowing. Like a fool, I mentioned maybe we should seperate. Well, i gave an inch and he took a mile, cause after I said that, he immediately steered the conversation towards divorce and he’s never looked back. After a month, on our wedding anniversary, he invited me over to his place (I’m living back with the folks), and so I dressed up and got all pretty and went over there just so he could tell me there was no hope for reconciliation. Now, I just at home, staring off into space and basically…MISERABLE! Will I ever be happy again? If I did cause the divorce, then if I marry again, will I do the same things? I hate being in the mist of this pain…it’s all consuming!

Comment from Trippy
Time: April 18, 2010, 10:52 am

I’m in my 3rd week of ending a 10 year relationship. We were supposed to get married this August. I am still in denial, thinking, we should get back - but this website helped me to understand that I am trying to fill the void, that this void and this urge is something everyone goes through. Like Darrell, I was the one who ended it and like Allison, he doesnt have a job and has no motivation in life. I was willing to support him all the way and help him reach his potential, I really signed up for that, but he has just gotten in way too much into my schedule and efforts with no results and I just feel personally hurt that he never makes an effort. The dream, was not shared. It was just mine. He’s now off trying to find his own dreams while I am left with the one I had for us

Comment from Vicky
Time: May 2, 2010, 3:50 pm

Me and my ex broke up in Dec 2009 after 5 years. He cheated, we stayed friends, and he started hanging around with me and my best friend. I then found out he got the girl he cheated with pregnant, which was very upsetting as we were trying for children ourselves (which was unsuccessful). But being the person I am, I forgave him and wished him every happiness and still remained friends. Then I noticed my friend was acting very flirtatious around him, and he with her, so I asked out right and she said she had feelings for him, which I could deal with, but when I asked if he had those feelings, would you act upon them, she said yes. Heart broken, within 3 months I lost my fiance and my future, then my best friend. But, again, being the forgiving type, we have now started to get together when with other friends. I am still friends with my ex, but I have just found out that he has been visiting her house, doing DIY. That is all my other friend told me, and at the time I didn’t want to ask anymore, as I couldn’t of taken it if anything else had happened. Now after not speaking after awhile, (Me and the now ex best friend speak occasionally but not so much for the past month or so) I put something totally unrelated as my Facebook status and she wrote on it, saying something highly suspicious and the last time I spoke to the ex, he sounded rather vague and wouldn’t talk about her with me, which I understand maybe be awkward for him, but I thought it weird. I would of thought, seeing how much it hurt me, that they wouldn’t see or speak to each other, but obviously not. And now all those hurt emotions keep coming up, it’s been a good few months now, but it seems it’s just one thing after another for me since the start of the year ( I am also ill at the moment). Is it normal to have highs and lows this long after a break up? I know I’m grieving both of my relationships, but when does it end? I am fed up of going weeks without feeling upset, but then something happens and it feels so fresh!

Comment from Nessa
Time: May 12, 2010, 12:16 am

Love your advice, thank you for writing this. I’m still getting over an old relationship (was very serious, I was deeply in love) because I’ve kept it bottled up inside all these years.

Here’s some more songs for the heart-broken:
Dido - “See the Sun”
Whitney Houston - “I Will Always Love You”
“Sister (Miss Celie’s Blues)” from The Color Purple (not a break-up song, but so sweet and it still fits the mood)
Martina McBride - “Wrong Baby Wrong Baby Wrong”
Michelle Branch - “Goodbye to You”
Blue October - “Hate Me” (probably the “worst” song I’ve listed, but fits the context of my personal breakup perfectly, so it helps me)

Comment from Jim
Time: May 15, 2010, 5:41 am

Where do I start. I have been married for seventeen years and 8 months. Things started going downhill after my wife’s mother died in 2002. She went through a very diifcult mental breakdown, and I wasn’t able to pull her out of it. She made me feel that it was my job to fill the void in her life, but I couldn’t I felt empty inside after awhile. In 2004, we were involved in a really bad car accident and she suffered a closed head injury. She was never the same after that. We stayed together for our daughter and tried to get along but we kept growing apart. I went through some really difficult pain medication problems from 2007 - 2009. I finally got the help I needed in 2009, and started trying to work on my problems. I guess that made her jealous, and she started questioning where I was. I have ALWAYS been faithful to her. Finally, in December of 2009, I told her that I no longer had feelings for her, because I was angry at being constantly reminded of my past actions. I tried to apologize in February of this year, but it was too late. In March, I found out that she was seeing someone, and I confronted her about the affair. She told me that she planned on pursuing the affair as well as a divorce from me. March 31st my dad dies, and our 5 year old daughter and I flew home to NJ for the funeral. When I returned, I found out from the neighbors that she had her boyfriend over the house while I was at my fathers funeral. We have stayed in the same house for the sake of our daughter, but I will be moving out today. I have asked her for this trial separation in order to see if we can work things our before proceeding with divorce. I really don’t think that anything can stop the divorce from happening. There are many reasons for me not wanting to be divorced from my wife, but I really don’t know if I will be able to rebuild the trust I had after the affair, and what I perceive as being violated in my own home when her boyfriend was in my home. I don’t want our daughter to be the product of divorced parents, but I also don’t want her to be hurt by the arguing.

Comment from Trish
Time: May 17, 2010, 6:22 pm

I can really identify with what you describe Lucy.
I split from my partner after 13.5 years together. After 10 months I still feel so much pain and heartache. The split was mutual and we remain in weekly contact. I also feel like I’ve lost my best friend. It’s as though someone has reached inside and is physically hurting my soul - the pain is physical. A few months ago I started taking antidepressants which helped, I stopped them after thinking I was better. Now I feel worse than ever, so started on them again. I feel as though a part of me has been in denial of the relationship ending and now it’s beginning to sink in. It’s good to know I’m not alone in my pain and sense of depair

Comment from admin
Time: May 21, 2010, 4:17 pm

Wow, the stories and sharing that is happening on this comment thread is truly amazing! If this blog post can be an outlet for some of these difficult feelings to be expressed, that is great. Feeling your feelings and being willing to move through them instead of stuffing them down is key. If they are persistently strong and you feel really stuck in them, find yourself a divorce counselor and get support in doing your own emotional homework. Thanks for the suggested playlist of tunes, Nessa - much appreciated!

There is so much that feels topsy-turvy in the land of separation and divorce. I’ve put together some of my best information/interviews/strategies to help you put the pieces of divorce together in my award-winning Divorce Resource Kit. You can learn more about it at http://www.DivorceResourceKit.com. Dealing with the end of a significant is never easy, but you can move through it more quickly, with less heartache and more clarity with the right tools. Thanks for your comments!

Comment from Hurting
Time: June 4, 2010, 1:06 pm

Hi everyone - after reading all these posts, I could so relate to it all. I am going through a divorce too. We’ve been married 7 years, and we’ve had more downs than ups the past year and many threats of divorce. This time round, my husband decided to really go for it. I thought I wanted the same thing and would be ok, but I am plain shattered and feeling like I am in a living hell.
This has been going on for a while and I am having huge difficulty coming to terms with it. I have tried talking to him, pleading with him, emailing him, getting friends and family to talk to him, but he is not budging.
I feel so scared about the future. I care for him deeply because he is a good guy, and I love him in my own way. I firmly believe that most marriages can be worked out if we take the time to step back and re-evaluate our approach to problems and our behavior in general. But the laws makeit all too easy to get a divorce without allowing for a forced separation period first.
I have lost so much weight since this all started. I have trouble sleeping at night some days. Feel like my blood pressure is up because I feel this pounding in my head. Yesterday i just cried and cried all day - felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I just want everything to be ok again. I can’t even bear the thought of having to start packing my things and moving out…getting use to living alone. And no matter what, everytime I am with couple friends, I feel so left out and feel that huge sense of loss of what I once had.
Lots of regrets for my share of the mistakes - wish I could have the chance to start again on a new foot with my husband.
Someone mentioned how they wake up at 5 AM in the morning and feel this huge void - that’s exactly how I feel. The hardest part of the day is wake up time in the morning. My eyes open and I lie there with this horrible dread and emptiness in my heart and I just want to crawl into bed again and die. I go days without showering just because I dont have the energy to get up on time to do so. Dont feel hungry, dont enjoy anything. Certainly not interested in dating at all.
When does it get better?

Comment from Jim
Time: June 7, 2010, 5:58 am

It has been a litlle over two months since I learned of my wife’s affair and wish for divorce. I am now living on my own, and I have little contact with her outside of our five year old daughter. I have been journaling once or twice a day, and I have been talking about my feelings, which has helped me to work through my anger. Our daughter has been staying with me four nights a week, and is asking if she can stay with me all of the time. She is very angry at her mother, and has been acting out when she is with her mother. About a week ago, she deliberately slammed a door on her mother’s arm. My wife called me looking for me to discipline her, but I didn’t. I told her that I wasn’t going to get involved. I spoke with my counselor about this, and he advised me that I need to stay out of her problems. We have been taking our daughter to a child counselor to deal with her feelings. While I am moving toward acceptance of what has happened, I am still having a difficult time understanding why she had an affair. I feel that this was a deliberate, personal attack at me. I don’t think that I deserved to be treated like that. I try not to dwell on these feelings, especially when my daughter is with me. I am trying to be as strong as I can for her. She didn’t do anything to deserve this, and she is the one who is being hurt the most by this.

Comment from Jane
Time: June 8, 2010, 11:12 pm

After reading several comments, I thought perhaps I could feel some relief in writing my own. I have been happily married for almost 5 years, together for 14 years. He is considerably older than I. About a year and half ago, I began an extramarital affair with someone I became close to. The element of passion and invigoration was unbelievable. We did lots of things together and I didn’t care who saw us or knew about us. I found out about 2 months ago, that he had been having another affair with one of his best lady friends to whom he was also close with her husband. I knew her and had been friendly with her the whole time we were together. She knew we were seeing one another. When I found out about them I was totally shocked that they could betray me that way and that my boyfriend could betray his friend this way. It hurt like hell and although I knew there was no future for us, I feel let down, unworthy and totally bulldozed. After I caught them, he told me they had ended it but I knew otherwise for a fact. I just don’t believe that for most people they will or can stop doing the “wrong thing” when love and emotion get in the way. Unless they are busted, their love and desire for one another will continue to outweigh any guilt, hurt, or risk. I know, because I’ve been there.
I am a complete emotional mess and sadly for me, I still want him. Embarassingly for me, he knows it.
As for my husband, I have the best of the best. There is only one void. He treats me like a princess, trusts me, has fun with me, is affectionate and kind. He’s also 25 years older than me. I still can’t figure out why I’m pining for someone who I can’t trust and who betrayed me. Like the website says, I believe it’s the loss of a dream. I fear for how I will now fill the time that we used to spend doing things together. What’s wrong with this picture?

Comment from Ben
Time: July 22, 2010, 12:02 pm

My life partner and I lived together for 5 years. I moved out almost 3 yrs ago. We were not”together” but never discussed moving on completely. I just accepted things as they were, although stagnant, I just accepted it as normal. However, a little more than a month ago. He informed me that he was dating someone.

It felt surreal. I have been on auto-pilot since receivng the news. I am consumed by thoughts of the past and how I just want to scream at him about the lost future together. He seems happy and I’m not, makes me even more angrier and hurt.

I just want these horrible feelings to go away.

He wants to remain in my life. I would like him to, but I don’t feel I can go on with my life if we stay in touch.

I don’t know what to do.

Comment from admin
Time: September 3, 2010, 8:31 am

Thank you all for sharing your stories here! It’s amazing to me how many comments keep pouring in on this particular topic - clearly many people have that struggle of how to pick up the pieces and move forward after a significant relationship end. If you find yourself really unable to cope or feel depressed, I would highly recommend you find some professional support such as a counsellor or therapist. There’s nothing like some personal one-on-one conversation with a trained professional to help you find your way through. Make your self-care a priority - sleep, exercise (great for releasing pent-up emotions!), good food, journalling are musts in my view. The other important issue to contemplate is what lessons are there here for you? Is it about deciding to be in relationship with someone who shows you the love and respect you deserve, and not settling for less? Is it about being willing to speak your truth in the moment instead of bottling it up and letting resentment build? Relationships are always co-creations, so our road to healing comes when we can see our part in that co-creation, harvest the wisdom that is available to us and then choose, with consciousness, to integrate and live that wisdom going forward. Blessing and best wishes to you all! Carolyn