Subscribe in a ReaderRelationship Break-Up - Living in the Void: Part 1
Let’s be honest. I believe separation, divorce, and relationship break-ups always have a gift to offer us, but the initial breakup period sucks. For most of us, when we’re in relationship, it feels like we’re on solid ground. It may feel comfortable and soft to walk on, or it may be rocky and painful, but at least you know where you stand. Recently a relationship with a man I loved ended. It was his call, not mine. To our credit, it ended with… love and respect. Yes, we had felt some pebbles showing up on our path together. But his decision to end the relationship knocked me off my feet and into the void.
When a relationship ends, we are inevitably launched into a void or abyss, where there’s nothing solid yet to land on. This is when the emotional rollercoaster goes on overdrive. Falling into the void feels disorienting and we don’t know where or when we’re going to land on our feet again.
Living in the void is a critical time to really dance and flow with our feelings. My own loss of relationship reminds me how powerful our emotions are. We feel the grief, sadness and loss not only of the person, but the dreams we had and the opportunities that were not yet realized. Even those who initiate the break-up are not immune from this, although the degree of their emotional suffering is different than those who were left behind.
I was reminded of one of my children’s favorite stories when they were young. It was about a family going on a bear hunt. Along their way they encountered obstacles like a swampy marsh or dark forest. Inevitably the conclusion was “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it. Oh, no! We have to go through it!” Our healing comes from going through and flowing with our feelings, not bottling them up or denying them.
There is discomfort in the void, often bordering on pain. Literally, our hearts ache. It seethes with anger. It curls up in despair. Yet it’s so important to take time in this vacuum. Emotions live on a spectrum, and when we cap the downside risk of pain, we simultaneously cap the up-side reward of joy and love. If we rush the process of grief we risk leaving some unresolved pain and issues within us that will make an encore appearance in a future relationship.
Recently one of my children developed an infection. It stubbornly grew into a swollen, painful abscess below the skin. Eventually the toxins built up to the point where the abscess burst, releasing the infection in the form of pus. It was the release the doctor and I were hoping for, but it was nonetheless painful. Yet to complete the healing process for my child, it wasn’t enough. The doctor had to make a small incision in the seeping wound to make it bigger. He had to probe within the wound with medical instruments and disinfectant to ensure all the pus was indeed leaving my child’s body. The wound had to be intentionally left open for a few days to ensure that everything drained out so that the healing would be complete.
Experiencing this drama with my child while I am living in the void of my relationship break-up was a great illustration for me. Just as my doctor selected from various medical instruments to probe my child’s wound, here are some recommendations for how to probe gingerly into our own wounds to ensure a complete healing.
- Use Your Breath
One strategy I’ve been using effectively is to welcome and breathe into my wounded heart. I am celebrating each wave of grief or sadness as a sign of how willing I was to open my heart in love. Each day I feel my heart growing stronger, more able to love myself and others.When you feel a whisper of strong emotions starting to come up, make sure you take deep, conscious breaths. Shallow breathing doesn’t allow sufficient oxygen to come into the body and creates stress. Deep belly breaths help to quiet the ego-mind that may begin to start racing with thoughts in an effort to avoid the pain. Breathing deeply while having an emotional moment will help you digest the feelings and be able to restore a sense of calm and groundedness more quickly. - Your Journal is Your Gauze Pad
A journal is like a clean, sterile gauze pad for a seeping wound. A journal is a safe place to collect all of those internal thoughts and feelings that must be released. I would even argue that life in the void requires a journal. Otherwise the unreleased feelings and toxic thoughts that are created in relationship break-up simply continue to run rampant within your consciousness. It is also the doorway to connecting with the wisdom and gift of why you have manifested this situation in the first place. There are no rights and wrongs about how to journal properly. That’s just the ego-mind squawking. Just give journaling a try. - The Medicine of Music
Music is a powerful tool to explore and help you release emotion. One particular tune or lyric can touch your heart to either uplift you or stir the pot of sadness and grief. If you feel numb and don’t know how to jump-start the release of your emotions, music can do it. Some of my favorite tunes to connect to and come to peace with those sad emotions include “The Power of Good-Bye” by Madonna, “Fix You” by Coldplay and “What Goes Around Comes Around” by Justin Timberlake. In terms of connecting to anger, there’s nothing like “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette to help you feel it. Feel free to add your own personal favorites by posting a comment here on my blog. - Celebrate Your Tears
Yes, this is the time for tears. No need to bottle them up or keep a stiff upper lip. Talk it out with a friend or out loud to yourself and enjoy a good cry. I am training with renowned relationship expert and author, Dr. Barbara De Angelis, and she offered a beautiful analogy for feelings. She explains that feelings flow like water. When we bottle them up, resist them or deny them, it’s like we are freezing the water into chunks of ice around our heart. The tears we shed when we release our emotions are simply the ice around our hearts melting. Celebrate your tears not as a sign of weakness or neediness, but as a sign you are honoring your heart and growing stronger. - Give Yourself Time
Break-ups are painful and people struggle to dodge that pain. Quick new relationships, addictions, gossiping and ignoring personal health are ways we try to distract or numb out the pain. We can’t be too quick to heal the wound and need time to heal from the inside out. Sometimes our loved ones, hating to see us in pain, may urge us to move forward quickly and out of the void. But the void is the place where we will find the wisdom of the relationship breakdown, so we need to take the time to do our own inner work.
Posted: January 17th, 2008 under Children & Parenting, Dating/Relationships, Divorce, Motivation & Mindset, Self-Care.
Comments: 13
- Relationship Break-Up - Living in the Void: Part 2
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Comment from heidi
Time: December 15, 2008, 3:29 pm
What do you do when the relationship has to end and it’s not the typical break-up. My significant other is in the military and had a choice between Japan and Hawaii. We live in Virginia. We are in love but I just got a terrific job and the orders are for 3 years. So we are breaking up when the plane leaves for Hawaii. I can’t explain the sense of loss that’s beginning for me.
Comment from admin
Time: December 18, 2008, 6:18 pm
Gosh, Heidi! That is a difficult and heartbreaking situation for sure. There are no easy or quick “fixes” for what you and your honey must be going through. Perhaps you’ll find in the separation that you truly do want to still be together and things like jobs and distance can be managed differently. (I’m a big romantic though, so I’m always looking for the happy ending!:) One thing I do recommend to help you complete your relationship in a loving way is to have you both reflect and share with each other the gifts you have received from being in this relationship. If there’s anything that you want to say before you are physically separated, say it. Give each other those heart-felt acknowledgements and soak them in fully. Thanks for sharing and I wish you both the very best!
Comment from yvonnecaffell
Time: February 12, 2009, 12:06 pm
My friend has been going through a breakup and now divorse for a year or so , and has to work daily with the little homewrecker who is a big part of this. My friend is having panic attacks is VERY angry and cries on my shoulder, and I am her friend so I am there for her. I am afraid of what will happen to her or what she says she’d like to do to ? She was married for 15 years, she is SO very miserable DAILY. She has been in a relationship for about 4 months and so not happy ,she cannot afford counciling, she is in major pain and sad and angry and wants revenge. Please help me help her.
Comment from admin
Time: February 18, 2009, 1:45 pm
Hi Yvonne and thanks for reaching out for help on behalf of your friend. A few quick tips for you as a supporter for someone going through this difficult experience. Definitely have her do some reading on the divorce process or check out The Divorce Resource Kit (http://DivorceResourceKit.com). This strong emotional spin cycle she’s on isn’t unusual, and the more she can learn about it the more empowered she will become. Another great book I always recommend is Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life.
Sometimes the best thing you can do as a friend is simply listen and let her vent her emotions. Be wary of diving in to her drama around it and feed the thoughts that leave her in a victim position. At some level, she co-created this situation as part of her soul’s journey. There is some gift or wisdom available to her. But instead of letting her ask “Why me?” invite her to ask “What can I learn from this?”
Thanks for your questions!
Comment from laura
Time: February 21, 2009, 10:00 pm
I am currently in the divorcing process. I feel miserably because I didn’t know to keep my husband, to show him my love and respect. It all started with his shortcomings, which I was not able to overcome, even though I am older than him(with 4 years). I just didn’t know how to forgive and forget. Now, I find myself completely guilty and don’t know how to survive with the guilt. It’ all too late and a nightmare. I see all the bad moments like in a movie and re-construct my reactions and I realise I have destroyed everything. He is not guilty at all. How can I cope with this, and move on?
Comment from Karen
Time: February 28, 2009, 1:17 pm
I have just had a breakup three days ago. It is so fresh..He did it over the phone…We were together 2.5 years.
He sent emails stating that he would like a second chance with us after we are both healthy mentally. He is seeking professional councelling due to the tragic death of his teenaged child, which occured 2 months into our relationship. He never really expressed his emotions with me and put up a front making believe all was OK, yet it was not. I then tried to find out about our future together since we never discussed it, I guess I pushed too hard and he felt I backed him into the corner and he couldn’t take anymore stress and ended it.
My only communication via email has been factual asking for our things. I know we both Love each other very much, but I am afraid right now to express my love and thanks to him as I am afraid I will get rejected somehow, and my pain will just start all over again. Should I do this so I can answer my question and know that it is finally over?
I would love that we do work through our emotions and take another chance at it, should I let him know this too?
Thank you, Karen
Comment from Layla
Time: March 13, 2009, 2:11 am
My 10 year relationship ended 4 months ago. He withdrew, I wanted to try counselling, he didn’t.
The first weeks and months were terribly terribly hard. I have never known such pain and sorrow. But slowly, very slowly, it got a tiny bit easier. I just let myself feel what I am feeling. If I need to cry I do, if I need to scream I do. He found it hard to communicate and express feelings. Eventually I did too. I thought crying or talking about my feelings with him meant I was weak - I thought that is what he thought of me - that I am too emotional. Well I am! So what!
He is dating again. I am not ready for that. I had hoped time may change things for him, but obviously not. Perhaps it is easier to start a new relationship than fix an old one. I thought we were worth trying for, but alas. Although he did say he isn’t saying 100% that it would never happen again for us, but he doesn’t ‘intend’ it to…so to me that is saying 100% that it won’t!
So I am doing good things for me, and losing hope that it may happen for us again. I just need to get on with life, find a new direction and get myself sorted out.
Comment from Layla
Time: March 13, 2009, 2:29 am
Hi Karen, maybe keep the lines of communication open. If you do truly love and care for each other, work on you, while he works on him and maybe things will work out. Good luck 
I wish that I had that chance.
Comment from Dave
Time: March 31, 2009, 4:43 am
Im going through a difficult period right now, I never thought Id meet someone special enough to consider spending the rest of my life with, but 4 years ago I did, we spent nearly every minute of every day together. Travelled the world, had a great life, a wonderful home, and on the face of it an enviable future.
THEN, as I came round to the obvious conclusion of a marriage proposal, and at the same time my girlfriend went away for the weekend with the girls. I was planning marriage, and when she returned she planned on ending the relationship. I just sensed it, I approached it and she said she had lost her identity and needed to find herself. She still loved me wanted children and a future….but in the mean time she needed to time on her own. So beit…..we had space and we kept ourselves to ourselves….and had a recent reconciliation, a mistake obviously!
Here is my problem, the most difficult part of my life now, isnt getting over her, its seeing her every day as we work together, on the same floor doing the same job. We are both extremely successful and there is no chance of looking for an alternative place of work. Everyone says dont see your ex..I see her everyday and its a killer! Any suggestions on getting through the day…..as the rest of life I can deal with.
Cheers, D.
Comment from admin
Time: May 11, 2009, 11:17 am
Thanks for the great sharing and comments everyone! Yes, Dave, you definitely have an additional challenge when you have to be in the same workplace every day as your ex-partner. I there’s a few key principles for anyone who’s exiting out of a love relationship to adopt. One, definitely give yourself some time to process your loss and be with your feelings (like Layla is doing). When you’re still an open wound inside, that’s a tough foundation to start building a new relationship from. Two, shift away from looking “over there” at what your ex is doing or thinking and keep gently guiding your attention and energy back to you. Ask yourself “What can I learn from this situation? What do I need in this moment now to feel loved and appreciated?” Ultimately, I believe these kinds of experiences are always critical in learning to discover and express our own highest potential. The more intense the pain, the more rich the wisdom, learning and power can result from it. Three, if you find it hard to move out of the emotional hamster wheel on your own, reach out and get some professional help or counselling. Please check the Solutions page on http://www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com to see some of the solutions I have to offer. Thanks everyone for a great conversation!
Comment from Julie Williamson
Time: June 7, 2009, 10:19 am
I am 2 months into a break up of a 12 year relationship, it has to be one of the most painful experiences I have been through. It all started when he took a job working for Union Pacific which required him to be out of town all the time, and then his Dad died and his mom wanted his attention all the time even though she was in good health. I have cryed everyday sometimes 2 or 3 times a day since we broke up. I wake up early 5 am everymorning feeling so empty and hurt. It is all so painful….I miss him so much… he is seven years younger then me I was afraid this might happen down the road.
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