Question

“My biggest challenge is in not understanding where my wife’s decision to separate is coming from. I feel like I’ve been totally blindsided.”

Answer 

In many cases of divorce, someone decides to pull the plug on the marriage first. It can be very painful if you didn’t see it coming and are the one who is left behind. The “Dumpee” has to cope with a hefty dose of shock, surprise and disbelief on top of the emotional stew that gets stirred up when a marriage ends. The “Dumper” who initiated the split has often already done a lot of the emotional processing in making the decision to leave. The “Dumper” may appear to be “chomping at the bit” to move quickly and get the divorce finalized. Astute lawyers know that clients are at different places in the process… and that it’s important to try to manage this difference in pacing. Otherwise the risk is that the pain and anger of the “Dumpee” will get played out in the legal proceedings. It’s very important for you to do your own emotional homework to the best of your ability to deal with this aspect of your break-up, because trying to use the legal system to act out or resolve emotional wounds inevitably ends up being a costly and bitter strategy.

So what can you do? First, get yourself some support in getting your feet back on the ground. Find a divorce coach or therapist to work with so you can start to express some of the feelings you’re having. Journalling is also a great tool and is a healthy and illuminating way for you to reflect as well as let off some steam and disappointment. Second, let your soon-to-be ex-wife know that you feel blindsided and are dealing with shock. If you need some time to digest her announcement, request that she give it to you so that you can divorce as respectfully and effectively as possible.

Third, realize that understanding “why” your wife made her decision may help take some of the sting out but will ultimately only satisfy your ego-mind. Understanding her reasons still leaves you with the what you will choose to do and who you will choose to be from one moment to the next. Being able to thrive after divorce is a spiritual journey that our heart is better equipped to support us in than strictly our brains. Put yourself in the picture and consider that you were a co-creator to this situation in some way. Take a hard honest look at the past and see if there were signs you may have overlooked or places where you lived in denial. Most importantly, ask yourself what you can learn from this experience so that you can create deeper love and understanding of yourself. The quality of the conscious relationship you have with yourself will be a key factor in the quality of intimate relationships you’ll be able to build after divorce.

Have a question about divorce you’d like to see answered? Submit yours to Thrive after Divorce by sending an email to askthrive@ThriveAfterDivorce.com.