Divorce is a painful experience, even if it was your choice to end the relationship. Being able to thrive after divorce is determined in large part by where do you live, but I’m not talking about your physical address. Where does your mindset predominantly live – in the past, present, or future? Are you living in the present moment, the here-and-now? The present moment is the only place where you have true power and choice.

It’s very tempting to try to escape the reality of your present moment. After all, you’re likely feeling hurt, guilt, …

shame, fear or anger or some combination of all of these emotions.

Sometimes people re-live the past and play the “coulda-woulda-shoulda” game. They replay past events and imagine how things might have been different if only they had said or done something different. One reader wrote recently saying “I find myself obsessing on what I did wrong, what I could have done right, etc?” Sometimes people are filled with regret that if only something in the past hadn’t happened, their current reality would be different. But the fact is, what happened did happen. Until we invent time machines to un-do the past, time and energy spent wishing the past was different is futile.

Another common preoccupation is to live in the future and play the “what if” game. The ego-mind has a field day figuring out possible future scenarios that have yet to be. “What if I don’t have enough child support?” or “What if she decides she wants to reconcile and come back to me?” or “What if I’m never able to truly love someone else again and end up being on my own?” The brain loves questions and will immediately set to work at trying to find an answer.

But the future is ultimately the result of the choices you make today, in this moment and the next and the next. Becoming obsessed in fantasizing about future outcomes or getting stuck in repeated thoughts about past events while ignoring your present reality is a recipe for delusion. Here are some strategies to get you back into the present moment.

1. Be Here Now

Awareness is the key to transforming challenge into opportunity. Start to become aware of your thoughts. If you notice your thoughts are wandering into the past or the future, stop. Get yourself grounded by taking a deep breath and bring your focus back to this moment. Use “Be here now” as a mantra.

2. Empty the Trash

Individuals have approximately 60,000 thoughts per day, of which 95% are the same ones you had yesterday and the day before. Of those thoughts, 80% are negative ones! Instead of recycling these thoughts, find a way to release them. Grab a journal or paper and write them down. Speak them out loud to yourself or another. If you notice you’re having repetitive thoughts, it’s likely time to empty your psychic trash bin.

3. Get Physical

Find some physical action you can take to break the trance of your thoughts. Changing your physical position alone loosens the grip of the mind. Do 10 jumping jacks, or put on a tune and sing along to it.

4. Set a Limit

If you’re feeling like you need to “stew” about something, set the timer and give yourself 5 or 10 minutes. Give yourself to that experience fully, and when the timer goes off give yourself permission to let it go and move on.

5. Make a Choice in this Moment

By developing a habit of self-reflection and awareness, you’ll be able to make conscious and empowering choices in each moment. Once you get grounded and centered, ask yourself “What will I choose to do NOW?” Keep your choices simple and actionable. Remember, the future you’re so longing to create for yourself starts in this present moment.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement with it: “Author and divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the Founder of ThriveAfterDivorce.com which helps separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce. To read a FREE chapter of her Parenting after Divorce 101 ebook that contains simple life-changing tips for single parenting, visit www.ParentingAfterDivorce101.com.”