Divorce and unhappiness seem like they go together well, like chocolate and peanut butter. Going through a divorce is definitely an emotionally wrenching experience, even if you were the one who decided to leave. Yet so many divorcees seem unable to shed that unhappiness and sadness, allowing the loss of that one relationship to color the rest of their lives.

Is it possible to use your divorce to discover the keys to lasting happiness? I definitely believe so! Here are some keys… to discovering your own happiness.

1. Feel Your Pain

Denying or ignoring a problem won’t work. Masking pain with positive affirmations or happy thoughts also won’t work. Become aware of the nuances of how you are feeling and get really curious as to what events or thoughts seem to trigger your feelings. Simply by heightening your awareness of your emotions and surrendering to them, instead of resisting them, can shift them enormously.

2. Happiness is an Inside Job

Your happiness is something you will find on the inside, not in the outside world. One big mistake people make is believing they’ll be happy when “something” else happens. For example, they’ll be happy when they get into a new relationship, lose those 20 pounds, or find a job that they love. Looking to external circumstances to validate you or create happiness is a flawed strategy. Flex your happiness muscle by finding one thing you can be happy about right now.

3. The Solution is in The Problem

Problems often force us, sometimes painfully, to call upon resources, strengths and insights that we didn’t even know we had. Yet the seeds of happiness will always be sown within the challenge or problem itself. This requires the courage to self-reflect and honestly identify what part you had in creating your own unhappiness. Did you not speak up for yourself? Were you handing over responsibility for your life to others in some way? Get the lesson in this problem now otherwise you’re going to recreate it again in future with someone else.

4. Mind Your Thoughts

To live more consistently in a state of happiness, be mindful of your thoughts and judgments. As author Vernon Howard says, “True happiness is in whatever happens to you, not in what you prophesy should happen to you.” Our thoughts and judgments about an event create more pain than the event itself actually can.

Two great questions Howard recommends asking are: “What is my actual condition?” and “How can I change it?” These questions will ground you and empower you to take action, instead of battling internally against the reality you are facing.

5. Don’t Have a Clue

Happiness is a process, not a destination. It’s a daily choice you make to stay open to the possibility of happiness, however it may show up. Often, some of your happiest moments you actually never plan for. It might be an unexpectedly heartfelt conversation with a stranger in an elevator, or watching a young child playing in a park, or feeling grateful for your health when you wake up in the morning. Be completely clueless as to where you will find your happiness today, and you’ll be surprised at all the opportunities you can discover to simply be happy.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement with it: “Author and divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the Founder of ThriveAfterDivorce.com which helps separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce. To read a FREE chapter of her Parenting after Divorce 101 ebook that contains simple life-changing tips for single parenting, visit http://www.parentingafterdivorce101.com/.