Question:

“I find it hard to deal with my alienation from my ex-husband’s family. I am an only child, and they had become like my own brothers and sisters. They are polite if we happen to meet publicly, but I have essentially been shunned by them. It doesn’t seem fair.”

Answer:

In an ideal world, people could end their marriages without a significant impact on extended family relationships. In some cases, families do find a way to keep the relationship with the ex-spouse so the connection can be maintained, which is particularly useful when there are children involved.

But the reality is that for many people blood runs thicker than water. Particularly, if the divorce gets messy,…. family members may be drawn into declaring allegiances and loyalties so it’s not always feasible to have a former spouse stay in the family album. Keeping an active relationship with you may be viewed as a sign of treason by others. Losing the close connection I had with my former husband’s family was one of the most challenging losses I faced during my divorce, so I appreciate your pain. It doesn’t seem fair, yet who ever said that life had to be “fair.”

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of these relationships. In some cases the relationships may not be lost forever, but the way they continue will certainly change. Know that they are working through some difficult issues as well. “We are all doing the best we can with the tools we have” is a statement I’ve found to be very useful in finding greater acceptance of myself and others. Become aware of all the gifts that these people have brought to your life so you can experience deep gratitude for the connection you had. You may even want to express that to them, either in person or in the form of a letter. Release them with love and blessings. Deal with what is, not with what your ego tells you is “fair” or not.